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You begin to be aware, though, of something on the fringe, a spectre of discomfort with the category of thoughts you had unquestioningly believed were normal... and then you decide that this spectre must have a name. Most figure out that their fantasies are forbidden, and then spend the rest of their lives suppressing them without ever trying to understand them. A few discover leech websites and forums online, alone in their rooms at night with their heads compulsively twisting over their shoulders, dampening keyboards with sweaty palms. Once they learn, unlearning is difficult; still, some try their hardest. Others join the forums and read the websites, and begin to lead a secret double life on the Internet. Only about a half percent of hosts fully understand that the leech is not a parasite; it is a way of life.As a member of that half-percent, I met a salty, harsh, unforgiving sea of sameness in mainstream society. Serious employers would not hire me, or they'd let me go as soon. Next, we made our way to the shoe shop where not only did Sue buy me a killer set of four-inch heels that were strappy, brown open-toed sandals with little jewels on them, but the store clerk named Becky got me all dressed up en femme. Then when Sue took me out into the mall, I have to say, I was nervous as hell. This was now my first time going out in public, fully dressed as Jessie. Sue quickly walked me to the center of the busy rotunda where people were staring at me. I turned to Sue and stated I was really embarrassed about doing this, and that I didn’t think I was ready to go public. She dismissed the idea as me being paranoid. We walked toward a salon so Sue could get her nails and hair done. She quickly told the hostess that I also needed a pedicure, manicure, and a wax job. I didn’t hear any of it as I was still freaking out about the people staring at me. “Relax,” Sue said. “Not a single one laughed after looking at you. In fact, it looked like some guys appreciated how you.
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